For the last year and a half I have been afraid to kick in to exercising, a routine and taking better care of myself. When I did this in 2014 and went full blown Vegetarian and exercising I started dropping off the pounds and then without even trying 5 pounds a week I was loosing. It became clear to me that I was afraid to start something now because if I did then what if the Cancer came back??!!
I cannot live like this. I cannot live in the shadow of Cancer anymore!! I need to take back my life I had prior to Cancer.
One of the first steps is that I am going in to finally get my Power Port removed this week. One last link that is tied to the Chemo which was tied to Cancer. One of the simplistic things to do but the scariest because for all my life was dependent on that Power Port to deliver that Cancer fighting miracle drugs to save my life.
So much goes through the mind of a Cancer Survivor and so much of it is suppressed only to sheild the ones around them from all this burden we carry. I feel everyday I walk around suppressed, suppressing my feelings mainly of what I had gone through only because I feel no one around me understands or "gets me" to fully relate. If someone has not stood where I was to fight as a single mother, as a single mother of special needs kid, it really is hard to share all I got going on in this brain of mine.
CancerFightClub doesn't end when you hear the words of "No Sign of Cancer". CancerFightClub doesn't end when you hear you are "Cured". CancerFightClub never ends!! This is something that is so deeply rooted in your soul that has forever changed the way you see the world, the people around you. With that being said I have secluded myself, hid myself away and seems mainly with the ones I have known a very long time or close to at one time.
One thing you notice is when the word gets out that you have Cancer the whole world comes out of the darkest places and people you never knew come out of the woodwork to rally around you, to jump on board to the CancerFightClub Team. And then when the world knows you have beat Cancer they walk away and continue their lives not thinking about you. Then you find yourself going from fully supported to being abandoned. You starting over and either hibernating like I am doing or afraid to even put yourself out there. Taking this new hibernation on like a pro to find myself to fully dig into who I am. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise? Maybe it is something that is much needed to heal myself from the inside out? For the longest time I felt sad that this has happened. Now I feel that I need to embrace this time and find my new base.
In the end it is all in how YOU look at any given situation. For me, I have been a mother since I was 19 years old and in healthcare always forever giving unto others and meeting others demands. For 24 years it took Cancer to finally get me to give back to myself.